Posted by: ryanmccoskey | April 14, 2009

How to win the Pulitzer Prize

It’s been way too long since I have updated my blog! But today is your lucky day because I have a real treat for you. I’m going to show you how to win the Pulitzer Prize.

Although most of you have probably been in better emotional and mental health because you haven’t been exposed to my ramblings for awhile, you should probably re-immerse yourselves. Think of it like a cheap multi-vitamin; the taste in your mouth after swallowing one is awful. But in the end, it’s actually good for you. I can’t guarantee that reading my blog is good for you, nor will I say that it’s better than taking vitamins. So in reality, the vitamin analogy is completely illogical.

So now that I’ve written a highly compelling introduction, it’s time to lay out the three points of my thesis. First, Lizzy is the female counterpart of Bob Ross. Second, I drink a lot of coffee. And last but certainly not least, I find it highly ironic that the current administration has vowed to stop piracy on the high seas, yet allows the most villainous pirates to roam free – the pirates of which I speak sail on a government ship called The IRS.

It is time to begin the body of this masterpiece. I will start be rephrasing my first point. Lizzy is the female counterpart of Bob Ross. Liz is a very happy person who has been known to chant the words “happy trees” on a regular basis. She plans events for the Society of Decorative Painters in Wichita, Kansas and is most likely the author of the Mona Lisa. The Mona Lisa is some sort of obscure painting that nobody knows or cares about.

Now that I have successfully shown you that Lizzy is the female counterpart of Bob Ross, I will now tell you that I drink a lot of coffee. “I drink a lot of coffee.”

Let me give you a moment to catch your breath after my last literary soliloquy. Feel free to wipe your tears of joy away so you can focus on this final point. My final point is this: I find it highly ironic that the current administration has vowed to stop piracy on the high seas, yet allows the most villainous pirates to roam free – the pirates of which I speak sail on a government ship called The IRS. This is my last point because today I am sending $415 to Uncle Sam for my 2008 taxes. I’m a little bitter about it, but it makes me feel better to pretend like IRS tax collectors wear eye patches and carry swords. I’d rather be forced to give my money to a fearsome, blood-thirsty pirate than a lowly henchman for the federal government.

We have now reached the conclusion. This is where I tie all the points together and prove the strength of my argument to you. In order to really impress you, I need to finish with a classic one-liner; kind of like when Arnold Schwarzenegger kills someone in a movie by throwing them in an ice chest and calmly says, “chill out.” English teachers love this. Just ask Brooke Johnson. She will probably tell you that she doesn’t like it at all, but that could be her way of explaining how much she likes it. (perhaps)

These three points are related because I’ve had coffee with Lizzy, and she doesn’t like pirates. And that’s how you win the Pulitzer Prize. “That will give you something to write home about.” (Awesome one-liner)

This is all I get? A medal? I thought winning this prize came with a lifetime supply of Elmer's Glue, or something else useful!

This is all I get? A medal? I thought winning this prize came with a lifetime supply of Elmer's Glue, or something else useful!


Responses

  1. Yar, matey! Ye be desparaging the name we be knowin’ as pirate.

    Aye, I be sailin’ with a trecherous crew o’ scurvey dawgs, but ye be steppin’ ‘pon some toes here when ye be makin’ us shipmates o’ the scurge o’ the seas. We pirates nah be a wantin’ to give one darn piece o’ eight to them cheatin’ scoundrels known as IRS.

    So, know ye know to be warned.

  2. Oh the joys of working off commission….

    Hey, I’m not knockin’ ya…I certainly couldn’t do it if I tried.

    Thanks for the laughs, snookums. 😉


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